BREAKING NEWS! Surprise surprise, something small-minded has transpired on Planet Football ( Population: unfortunately-millions-and-most-of-them-ignorant-intransigent-idiots )

If I’m honest, I don’t fully know the story (cos I don’t really care) but something about one guy that kicks things professionally was xenophobic, with a capital racist, to another guy that kicks things professionally. Let’s keep the names of the kicky-ball-men involved anonymous (no need for a super injunction) so I can recycle this every time something racist happens in football; so let’s say you can have the joy of reading this on a bi-monthly basis. Ouch! Take that football scum! Offside in your faces! (Not sure what the offside rule is and I’m very ok with not knowing; cos I know more important things like basic quantum mechanics or all the characters from the Lord of the Rings)

Whether they like it, and whether we like it, the World is looking at footballers and subsequently; they have become role models to smaller-future-bigots (SFB). Therefore, just like a handball is totally unacceptable in a game of foot-ball and is consequently followed by a penalty kick if it’s happened in the box, then a handshake just won’t do to settle a racist foul (or a foul racist), and should consequently be followed by a penalty kick (in the face) especially if it’s happened on the box (another term for television).

Seriously…a handshake?
Hitler: Come on Jews. I said I was sorry.
Jews: That’s not good enough you evil bastard!
Hitler: How about if we shake hands?
Jews: Oh ok. I didn’t think of that option. Thanks Adolf. All forgiven and forgotten.

“Ouch Lampaert! You played the Nazi card!” Yes, I’ve gone and done a Reductio Ad Hitlerum; I’ve reduced my arguments to the absurd by using Hitler. It’s always too extreme to use that Nazi bastard as an example to explain your argument, but hey… a handshake?

Footballers aren’t Nazis (well, no research has been done) Most of them are just young, rich and famous; of course they’ll do harebrained things, it’s human, who wouldn’t? And as long, as they’re sorry and get the comeuppance, or as they would understand; sorry and substituted, on the bench, swivel turn divisions, premiership turn-tabled, banned from games, etc… (some of those may have been made up)

Another point to make is that some of these footballers do a lot of good. There’s so much opportunity to do good when you have a lot of affluence and influence. But unfortunately that’s not an interesting enough story, so journalists pick the bad bits. Who wants to read about a footballer saving a litter of kittens from a burning building when you could read about one gang-kicking a cat in the vagina?

So in extra time, I can reveal that it’s a draw in the premiership game of shame. (Please read the following in that sports presenter monotonous way you always hear on TV) Footballers, zero. Journalist, zero. And unfortunately, this will be the score, forever.