Highlights of my 2013
Not including all the planes I’ve hijacked in Grand Theft Auto V, I have been on 25 flights this year taking me to all four corners of the globe. (Including GTAV; 371) I’m so jet-lagged I no longer have a body clock. It’s been replaced with one of those golden Chinese cats that rhythmically waves their paw up and down. It sort of keeps track of time, but in a more confusing and creepy way.
At one point, I set foot on four continents in the space of 48 hours (which you could easily do if you have more than one prosthetic foot; post it to various embassies around the world; I’m sure ambassadors will take time out of their busy schedule to Instagram your limb).
All this travelling made me feel like a spy. Comedians would make perfect spies. We travel lots, constantly making notes in a little book, great at improv to get us out of sticky situations, notorious for always being alone in hotel rooms crying, which is a perfect alibi, right? RIGHT!? Nobody would imagine that a lanky hairy bilingual fairy works for the secret services, and that’s the point! (New Year’s Resolution: Apply for MI5)
Anyway, here are my highlights of 2013. I should probably say ‘thanks for all those who made my career possible and my fans who blah blah blah I feel so lucky etc!’ Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful that even one person likes the ramblings I spray out on stage or on podcasts, but I did all the hard work. Not luck. So really, fuck you and thanks me! You’re welcome, me! (At this point, I am aware some of you might think I am a bastard! That’s a risk I am willing to take.) But also, I am thankful to everyone who made this year possible; I was a lead in movie, I did my first job for French TV, etc… crazy year.
My biggest highlight was seeking therapy. I was sometimes a nightmare to be around, I still can be, but now it’s by choice, rather than random outburst of depression and anxiety attacks. I recommend anyone who suffers from mental health, however small the problem, to get guidance. And if you know someone with mental health, please have some patience. Best thing I did this year. Anyway, enough of the serious bollocks…
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS…
Dancing in an embarrassing fashion in front of the entire cast of Bridesmaids at Jason Segel’s birthday party in Los Angeles is definitely a great way to start the year. I recommend it to everyone. But next time I go to the city that runs on networking, I should really learn the names of the big players. ‘Hello, my name’s Eric. You? Judd Apatow? That’s a funny name. Work going well? Oh that’s nice. Want some Sambuca?’ I am an idiot. The city is peppered with people who could change the direction of my future, and I run around like a bipolar pixie showing people how high I can kick. (Chris O’Dowd tried to mimic my excellent leg movement and fell on the floor in a pile of bones and skin. So… I’m not showing off or anything, but…. You know… I can kick pretty high.)
I had the privilege to play the middle spot at Sunset Boulevard’s famous Laugh Factory sandwiched between Chris Delia and Dane Cook. Oh and Rihanna was in the audience. I had the chance to speak to her before I realised it was her. This is how the conversation went (verbatim). Let me set the scene:
Rihanna steps of the toilet cubicle whilst Eric waits for his name to be called on stage. Eric spots a beautiful girl.
Eric: Hey. How’s it going?
Rihanna: Well thanks. Good luck up there.
Eric’s brain: Is that Rihanna?
Eric’s brain: Too late. Idiot.
I genuinely thought ‘too late’. Too late for what? Did I really think I could woo her? ‘Hey Rihanna. I don’t have any money, but I promise I will never hit you! So… How about it?’
After spending a day in the Playboy Mansion, I decide that a trip to Las Vegas would end this brief business trip nicely. My hosts offer me a tiny bite of a “special” rice crispy treat before the drive from the City of Angels to the City of Sins. I greedily ate the whole snack, which should have been shared with four people. I don’t remember much of the trip across bat country. I have a vague recollection that my hands didn’t belong to me, water trickled down my oesophagus too slowly and I woke up alone, naked, in a vacant Vegas hotel room.
We had some shots, we shot some craps, we shot some guns and we had some funs. (Here is a link to my NRA experience; http://www.ericlampaert.com/blog/i-am-adam-lanza-i-have-the-right-to-keep-and-bear-jellyfish/ ) What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, which is why I did not bring back my soiled underwear.
SAME SAME BUT DIFFERENT
After the folly of America, I needed a mental break so off I go to bake under a burning South-East Asian sun, rather than staying in Europe being battered by bitterly cold British wind. The first eleven days were spent in Thailand scuba diving in cocktail glasses and arguing with my ex lady.
The remaining three days were allocated to an impromptu trip to Cambodia. “It’s a holiday in Cambodia. It’s tough, kid, but it’s life!” Or in this case, death! Death everywhere! Terrible timing as it was their King’s funeral, which meant every single citizen was dressed head to toe in black and white, staring at three confused giants dressed in colourful Summer clothing. Everything in Phnom Penh was closed… except the famous Killing Fields, which we visited. It was an eye opening (eye gouging) experience, but our party agreed that we didn’t want to be dehydrated from crying all the water out of our body for the two remaining days. So no more Khmer Rouge genocide! We head north to visit Angkor Wat and the various Tomb Raider temples in its vicinity, and back to the capital for a plane to Bangkok. Once again, I felt like a spy; a budget spy travelling on cheap online airlines and cramped coaches.
The remaining six hours are a bit of a blur; drunkenly devouring insects and engulfing buckets of tequila with a group of Kiwi strangers whilst throwing shapes on a dance floor with a backpack still strapped to me, before blacking out and waking up dehydrated in Delhi to discover someone on the plane stole my shoes (true story).
THEY DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU
Gigging at the Latitude Festival’s comedy tent is fun enough, but to be told I could stand on stage with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs made that weekend even more special. You might not appreciate their music, but they’re one of my favourite bands. I had a hard time hiding the erection I had for Karen O when she looked at me and smiled. Did she smile at me because she instantly fell in love with me? I don’t know. Nobody knows. I think yes.
JUSTE POUR RIRE
Still trying to bury my Karen erection under the tight belt buckle of the airplane seat, I rejoice at the thought I will be doing my first French gig. In Montreal. C’est une superbe experience! A week of bilingual gigging with an incredible line up. Everyday I had the opportunity of gigging with Rich Hall, Adam Bloom, Joe Lycett, Chris Ramsey, Andrew Lawrence, The Midnight Beast (Didn’t get to gig with Aislinn Bea, Celia Pacquola & Katherine Ryan, but those lad legends were there too!) and with surprise appearances from Jimmy Carr and Eddie Izzard. A dream come true; I close one of the nights, and then get told that the comedian who inspired me to start stand up is directly on after me. And to then be told by Paul Provenza that Izzard laughed throughout my Setlist show. Let me just tell you, that was another erection. (This year’s a big year for eric-tions).
My set is filmed by Just For Laughs, for Comedy Central, hosted by the beautiful and hilarious Kirsten Schaal. I’d do anything for her to be my weird stalker. I’ve eagerly waited for a snippet of my performance to be properly filmed, as most of the videos on the Internet are awful. (My first ever gig for Chortle is online. I AM AWFUL! And so is the year after… But I was still learning. And still am today. Wow, I’m so deep…)
I fly back to the UK with an incredible group of comedians. The plane breaks on the runway, which only gives us comedians a chance to crack jokes to all the grumpy passengers. I am pleased to say I came up with a beauty. At the baggage carousel, after being told we won’t fly until the same time next day, I start clapping and shout “Great rehearsal everybody. See you same time tomorrow for the real thing.” Everyone laughs. Steve Bennett from Chortle was there. I assumed a big 5 star review of that line would be posted on his website. I am still waiting.
TWO TICKETS TO THE GUM SHOW
The Edinburgh Festival; basically fresher’s week for comedians; poker nights, Hot Dub Time Machine, rap battles with Daniel Sloss, endless gigs everyday orbiting around your main one-hour show, prostituting yourself to get audience in your show.
I made the decision to make my show free this year (and will do so again next year… if I go). That’s the spirit of the fringe; to show off your skills and have fun with people who pay you what they want by dropping coins and notes (and a condom, a stick of gum and foreign change too. Bastards!)
My first lead role in a feature film! There’s not much more to say about it than that! It was an amazing experience filming intensely for a month with an amazing collection of cast and crew. There’s normally one bastard, but I couldn’t find who it was on the set of this film (probably me then…) Directed by the awesome Lennox Brothers, the story is this; (copied from IMDB) “Jack comes to Amsterdam to find his father and, through a momentary magical encounter, finds the secret weapon that could turn around his father’s ailing marijuana coffee shop.”
It was so fun to film and I am certain it will translate to the big screen and you will enjoy it too. Coming out at some point in 2014. I expect ALL the Oscars to come my way this year. (Important to aim high).
Mon premier boulot pour la télévision Française ! Je devais jouer une farce sur quelqu’un pendant deux semaines et rester en personnage pour près de 24 heures par jour. Elle ne savait pas que j’étais un acteur, mais une vrai personne comme elle. J’ai hâte que ca sorte sur TF1 pour que je commence une carrière en France.
XMAS & NYE
In September, feeling destructive after a break up (everyone’s been there), I got very drunk and woke up the next day with a note on my hand saying ‘sort my life out’ and tickets to Australia.; most expensive hangover ever (Not everyone’s been there)! Sydney bound to celebrate Christmas and New Year’s Eve. On my own. Brilliant.
Was delayed in Dubai for 7 hours so went to the Burj Khalifa for a brief photo opportunity and then back to hotel room with two strangers I met to play cards and drink lots of room service tequila. As I was delayed, I didn’t get my direct flight to Sydney, so had to stop off in Perth for a few hours first. Once again, got drunk at 3:30 in the morning. My body didn’t know what was going on. WHAT TIME IS IT BRAIN?
I had dry tuna on toast for Christmas Day and I celebrated by the Sydney Harbour Bridge with a lovely group of strangers for New Year’s Eve.
Anyway. It should be a good year for me hopefully as I signed with PBJ for comedy and United for Acting. We shall see… I hope you all had a great year, and will continue to do so next year, and the one after etc… Thanks for reading up to this point. It got a bit boring towards the end because I went cliff diving a few days ago and hurt my back… It’s hard to think. I think. Or is it? I don’t know. Happy Pancake Day!
It’s only right you all get to see the below picture to start 2014.