My One Weekend With Trump Supporters
On 30th September 2016, Trump had an early hour need to rant like a baby screaming for Mother’s milk. Maybe it was all that cocaine he may or may not be taking to help him fuel his tirade of manure. Not manure. He hates manure.
That morning, the topic was women. And Donnie ‘Twice Divorced’ Trump knows a thing or two about women. And those two things are usually breasts. Other than that he doesn’t care about you. (Although October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so all of you should be caring about your tits as much as Trump does).
His target was Alicia Machado, Miss Universe 1996, who he, in such a presidential way, slut shames her, claims to be “disgusting” for allegedly having done a sex tape, without offering any evidence of course. You would assume he could just take a betamax cassette from his Beauty & The Beast style library of porn he keeps in his damp dark dungeon of despair.
Whatever the truth is about Alicia doesn’t matter, this is no way for a potential future president of the United States to handle himself. He was bombarded by annoying liberals who probably suggested he perhaps concentrate on more important things. So he tweeted this in response:
“For those few people knocking me for tweeting at three o’clock in the morning, at least you know I will be there, awake, to answer the call!” – realDonaldTrump
3 AM is also the ideal hour for demons to possess little girls, according to horror movies. (And people up all night on coke…)
This is where I come in. I simply said;
“Don’t lie (again) You were jerking off. That’s what we all do at 3am” – EricLampaert
Whether you support Clinton, Trump or Cthulhu, my aforementioned tweet is clearly a joke. A hack and easy joke, but a joke nonetheless. One that I would assume would get lost into the ether of the Internet. But how I was wrong. So very wrong. From this silly tweet, the topic ranged from Gaddafi, rape, Haitian earthquakes, homosexuality and of course, 9/11. All because I said we all enjoy masturbating during the witching hour.
There was a barrage of people insulted at the thought of onanism.
“What ever eric. Grow the fuck up” said one woman.
“Freak” exclaimed another “go back to playing with yourself!” (How did she know?)
And so on an nauseam…
Some got mighty creative in under 140 characters.
“no just pussy deprived homo like yourself who still lives in mommy’s basement and driving her car borrowing $ for cigs” – Grindy5410
He really filled that tweet with a whole story. Good for him. I of course replied saying that if I were indeed a homosexual, I paradoxically couldn’t be pussy “deprived” as I’d be so hungry for that yummy cock. I didn’t delve into where i live or what I drive or where my borrowed money goes to (Dildos of course).
“Oh @grindy5410 (Grindy? That a Grinder name?) if I were a homo I wouldn’t be pussy “deprived” as I’d be so hungry for that yummy cock.”
He replied, and frankly, touché Grindy! He scrolled down my timeline (He really spent time to find ways to hurt me. Playground tactics. Clearly flirting.) and found a Yaoi; a Japanese art form aimed at a female audience where two men they like are engaged in a romantic or sexual relationship. I had one made of me and my best friend for his 30th birthday by his artist girlfriend. As you can see below, we are mermaids, embracing in what can only be described as ‘super gay’.
When Grindy found this, he suggested I could become his wife… The mere sight of this, sent him into a sex frenzy, blood flowing vigorously into his penis, making grammar mistakes as he furiously types one final tweet to me before creamy ecstasy.
Talking of wives, some people just couldn’t fathom the idea that a married man could masturbate at 3am. If married, no more touching your penis! A woman must do it! If one is crepuscular like a blood sucking vampire, one must immediately upset their wife’s sleep and demand for their hand. Although he probably does it himself as Melania’s hands are bigger than his, making him feel insecure. He possibly watches the deceitful Casting Couch videos (I recommend Miss Universe 1996’s non existing sex tape)
Here is one gentleman I thoroughly annoyed from my original tweet.
“really. At 3 am I am lying in the bed next to my wife. You must have a sad life dude. So sorry for your so called sex life.” – no1jyd
“I’m also lying next to your wife. I wait till you’re both asleep and I sneak in. I jerk off. Then I leave before you wake (See you tonight)” – EricLampaert
He of course replied immediately, taking everything I said as seriously as humanly possible. The funnest kind of Internet warrior. Straight to threats!
“Damn I know where you are. Have many friends there. Do not tread on me!” – no1jyd
Not sure how Mr 90 Followers could know where I am. My tweets don’t show location. And I say I live on the ‘Pale Blue Dot’. A reference that would’ve gone over his head. At the time I received his brutish response, I was doing a gig in a bar in Los Angeles. He has many friends there? Mmm, most people drinking beer. I could see none having a tea party. (That reference didn’t get past me ol’ bean. Although you meant “don’t”, but I’ll let it slide) I did of course reply….
“Of course you know where I am. I’m in your bed. COME GIVE ME CUDDLES!” – EricLampaert (I included a gif of a couple in bed kissing)
The problems with visceral simpletons is they’re not sure how or when to use a gif correctly. Mine of this couple trying to kiss each other was a perfect callback to the “fact” I am in his bed.
“Not a joke when you talk about coming into my home! You will leave with no hands and at least one hole in your heart.” – no1jyd
“So how will I jerk off with no hands? Will you help? ” – EricLampaert
“jerking of will be the least of your problems.” – no1jyd
You see, Trump supporters, will take anything put into words as ‘fact’. So when I suggested I sneak into his bed when he’s asleep, jerk off, and then leave before they wake. He genuinely believed I had the power or vivacity to go to Idaho, somehow find out where he lives (I don’t have that ability, unlike my clever opponent), commit a crime by breaking and entering, and slither under their sheets without waking them and then masturbating. Have you ever tried masturbating in the same bed as someone who is sleeping and trying not to wake them. It’s very very hard. Not impossible, but just a lot of energy is spent trying to keep the mattress still.
He ended his fight with me after a fellow twitter warrior suggested that maybe….. maybe…. I was just messing around and I wouldn’t actually enter his house. In flipping Idaho. But just in case, one more warning…
“never joke about coming into someone’s house uninvited unless you want to meet your maker.” – no1jyd
“My maker are my parents. Surely I could enter their house uninvited? (Please answer as I’m now super confused)” – EricLampaert
All this is fun and games until you realise most of these people are allowed to vote. And you should of course vote, whoever you may be. But sometimes, I think a basic IQ test is required before casting your ballot. Like point upwards, or say ‘cloud’ or not getting offended at a basic joke.
I did have my share of fun with the trolls. (Am I one for tweeting that ‘jerk off’ comment to Trump?) It took a dark turn with one anti-woman woman who said the worse thing that happened to woman was their liberation (A tweet she then deleted, hence why I then kept a little record of everything said like a serial killer). She bombarded every critique with ‘facts’ from her own blogs; so you know it’s true…
Almost 48 hours after my tweet, I am still being included in tweets about Benghazi, ISIS, Mexico, tax returns and other things most of us know nothing about, but will gladly spread just because we like one person more than the other, and thus will disregard anything that might interfere with how we ‘feel’ about the person, whether fact or not. (I really recommend you check out my tweet and follow the sed thread of despair until you want to cry, it’s a jolly good time)
“maybe you loser Trump hardly has to he has Melania!” – Gopgirl13
“He hardly has to. Right. At 3am, I doubt she’s awake jerking him off though. Take a joke bae” – EricLampaert
“talking about @realDonaldTrump the future POTUS in that way is classless, disrespectful, and tasteless!” – Gopgirl13
“Yeah OK, but I’m not running for president. He’s said far worse about women. Get your priorities right” – EricLampaert
She goes on and on about various topics, mixed and fuelled by other parties joining in. I watched and didn’t partake. As Alfred said to Bruce about the Joker, “Some men just want to watch the World burn.”
I was no more for Clinton than Trump. They’re both pretty bad. But wherever I delve on the ol’ Interweb, I see a lot more hate coming from the Trump train. I almost don’t care about policies. If a hate-filled person tells me what their government should be like, I freeze. Here’s what blog creep had to say about women who get raped (No idea how it go onto this topic…. I think something along the lines of Clinton and Trump both rape everyone all the time. Oh and she hates Rosie O’Donnell…)
“If you drink too much and get raped, you kind of asked for it. It’s not right but it’s fact” – Gopgirl13
No… It’s not right.
People who vote Trump don’t know what ‘fact’ means. Vote Hillary Clinton. For facts sake.